When Should You Hire a Divorce Coach? 7 Signs the Time Is Right
Whether you are engaged to be married, dealing with struggles in your marriage and trying to decide if you want to get divorced, in the middle of a divorce, or creating your post-divorce chapter, it’s not reasonable to expect that you can or should handle these major life transitions alone.
Before you pick up the phone and hire a lawyer, consider working with a divorce coach, who can help you make the best decisions for your unique situation and family, no matter what your ultimate goals are. A divorce coach can provide support that helps you take the next steps toward your best life with confidence.
So, when exactly is the right time to hire a divorce coach? Here are 7 signs the time is right.
You are unhappy and disconnected from yourself and your marriage, but not sure what to do about it.
Most people expect they have to navigate this initial decision-making process alone, fearing it’s “too soon” or “not safe” to share their struggles with anyone, even friends. And it can make you feel lost and scared.
A divorce coach can be an amazing thinking partner and sounding board as you start to (1) peel back the layers of what’s really happening in your relationship that is causing you to feel this way, and (2) make your own decisions about your next steps.
From the first session, a divorce coach can help you get clear on your goals, values, and overall vision for your ideal life. To truthfully answer the question, “What matters most to you?” Then, you can determine if your current marriage is aligned with that vision and make the best decisions for you and your family, whether it’s continuing in the marriage or moving forward with divorce.
If you decide on divorce, then a divorce coach can also help you come up with a plan to (1) share your decision with your soon to be ex and children, and (2) physically separate from your spouse during the divorce process (including how to help the children handle this transition).
Simply put, when it comes to deciding whether you want to get divorced from your spouse, your divorce coach is the person to support you as you face your fears, concerns, and any limiting beliefs that might be holding you back from your ideal future.
If you talk with a divorce coach about the above topics and your ultimate answer is that you want to stay in the marriage IF certain changes can happen, then a divorce coach can help you move down that path.
Things you can work on with a divorce coach in this situation are (1) identifying what is “working” versus “not working” in your marriage, (2) envisioning your ideal partnership, (3) talking through your realistic options and expectations, and (4) creating a plan to move forward.
That “plan” could include working on improving communication skills, planning intentional, quality time together, hiring a lawyer to prepare a post-nuptial agreement (for example, to address any money concerns), and/or seeking additional support, such as a couples therapist
Divorce itself is a big life transition — from the financial issues, to the house, to the children, it can get really overwhelming. Trying to figure out the legal process and legal system is an additional layer of stress, because it’s not common knowledge, and it’s easy to get lost. But if you take the time upfront to prepare, focus, and get organized before you start the divorce journey, this can save money and legal fees in the long run. And the support of a divorce coach can get you there.
Before you even schedule a lawyer consultation or consider going to court, a divorce coach can tell you which documents to gather for the financial side, connect you with reputable, trusted divorce attorneys so you can get consultations scheduled, identify and introduce you to other professionals to help you with financial planning and the children, and explain and answer questions about the different ways you can get divorced (traditional litigation in court, mediation, or collaborative divorce), facing your fears along the way.
Whether you’re in the thick of divorce negotiations with your lawyer, preparing for a mediation session, or on the eve of trial, the divorce process can seem endless. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the details or try to win every little “battle” along the way, but this will only make the process that much harder, stressful, and expensive for you and your children – not just on the financial side, but mentally and emotionally too.
A divorce coach can help you stay focused on what you can versus cannot control, hold you accountable for what you say you will (or will not) do, focus on the bigger picture, and take intentional, grounded, strategic next steps that are actually aligned with your goals, instead of making emotionally reactive choices.
In addition, the support of a coach can help clients fill the gap between their lawyer (whose hourly rates are much higher and is only trained to answer legal questions) and their therapist (who is trained to help you process emotions, but not strategy and an action plan to move forward), so you never feel lost along the way. Further, when you effectively utilize your divorce attorney, therapist, and divorce coach, this can help you save on divorce costs, because you will get support from the most qualified professional on your team based on the specific issue you are facing.
Once you are officially divorced, most of the professionals on your divorce team (such as your lawyer and attorney for the children) check out. This can leave you without support, scared, and alone as you face the blank slate of the post-divorce chapter.
An additional concern is the economic consequences on finances after divorce, especially for women dealing with the loss of income of their spouse. Specifically, research shows that family income for women drops by almost 50% after divorce, nearly double the drop in family income experienced by divorced men, even though women usually continue incurring most of the expenses for the children.
This is not meant to scare you; rather, it’s meant to show how important it is to take action and prepare for your post-divorce future before you even get divorced, instead of letting it happen “to” you. That’s where working with a divorce coach can make a difference – by helping you get super clear on your goals and vision for you and your children’s future, and then working backwards to figure out the resources, support, and structure you need to make it happen.
Whether you’re about to say “I Do,” currently married, navigating divorce, or adjusting to life as a single parent after divorce, communication skills are key to success and a less stressful life experience. And yet, because your relationship with your current or former partner tends to be emotionally charged, this can be really difficult.
A divorce coach can help you get super clear on where communication typically breaks down and equip you with skills and tools to communicate in a more healthy, effective way. This includes how to clearly and kindly express your needs and emotions, set and enforce boundaries, stop people-pleasing, and embrace healthy conflict as an opportunity for learning and growth.
You are planning a wedding with your partner and are happy and excited, but also anxious and unsure if you’re really ready for marriage, if you and your partner are aligned on the important stuff, and if this is really the right choice for your life.
It’s completely normal and understandable to feel this way – school doesn’t equip us with knowledge on how to do this! Most people ignore these emotions or blame it on “wedding jitters,” but that only delays inevitable conflict after the wedding.
Here’s a different approach to consider – work with a divorce coach. It may sound “unromantic,” but it’s actually a proactive solution to prepare for the most common issues and challenges that tend to drive couples apart after they say “I Do.”
A divorce coach can help you get clear on your values, vision for your future, and goals – both individual and shared. Working with a divorce coach also prepares you to have the difficult (but necessary) conversations everyone should have with their partner before getting married, to make sure you are truly aligned when it comes to the lifestyle you want, how to handle household chores, time spent with family and friends, personal and joint dreams and goals, etc.
Think about it – who can give better advice on how to have a happy, fulfilling marriage than a divorce coach, who has seen countless examples of what NOT to do? Consider this a small investment in a lifetime goal of having a successful marriage.
There are so many different ways a divorce coach can help you navigate challenges, learn, and grow when it comes to marriage, divorce, and overall self-identity and life happiness, guiding clients through their unique situations. It’s never too soon to seek the support of a divorce coach, especially if you want to understand how to manage your money better and/or reduce legal fees during this transition!
