Breaking Free: What to Know When Staying in Your Marriage Hurts More Than Leaving
9 November, 2025
So many married people feel trapped in a silent, unending, painful situation: their marriage is “fine” or “okay,” but they know it’s not aligned with who they truly are and what they really want, and they feel scared or unable to make a change.
It’s normal to feel this way – the outside world tells you that your life “looks good on paper,” and if you end this relationship and reenter the world as a single person, “things could be worse.”
People-pleasing, fear of conflict, and fear of the unknown future compound the feelings of self-doubt. The end result? You feel stuck in a relationship that’s slowly breaking you down, but doesn’t seem “bad enough” to leave.
If you get very still and reflect, your body and soul may tell you that the prospect of ending the relationship, although scary and challenging, feels less scary and challenging than staying. But what do you do next?
In my signature framework, The Self-Reclamation Method™, I guide my clients from self-fragmentation and silent suffering → to clarity, self-trust, and empowered decision-making. Let’s dive in.
There’s a difference between experiencing “normal” challenges in a romantic relationship and being stuck in a neverending cycle of harmful patterns that, over time, fractures your soul and takes you further and further away from alignment and wholeness.
The first step to returning to wholeness is owning your current reality – stop minimizing the inner turmoil you are experiencing, and shine a light on what’s NOT working. Stop lying to yourself that “Everything is fine.” Because if it were, your body and soul would not be crying out for attention – so it’s time to acknowledge it.
Here are some examples of how to distinguish between “healthy” and “harmful” relationship aspects and qualities, the latter of which can lead to self-abandonment:
Healthy
Harmful
You feel safe to freely express your needs (emotional and practical) to each other.
Each of you shows up for the other and does your best to meet their needs, not because you “have to” or are being nagged to, but because you want to do whatever you can to support them, make their life run smoothly, and just feel good.
Disconnection and long-standing unmet needs – you don’t feel safe to express your needs and/or expect your partner to “read your mind.”
You feel like you are constantly nagging your partner to do things for you, and every request is met with a sigh, rolling eyes, lack of action, or other resistance.
Active and intentional communication, on a day-to-day and “big picture” level.
During conflict, you fully express yourself in a clear, kind, and respectful way, and you genuinely want to understand your partner’s perspective. No going below the belt with personal attacks or criticism.
After arguments, you come back together as a couple, such as hugging, cuddling, or simply spending time together.
A toxic cycle – you argue about the same/similar issues without resolution.
During arguments, you struggle to express yourself, view your partner as being “against” you, emotions take over, and you may attack their character in order to make them “feel something.”
After arguments, you receive or engage in the silent treatment or stonewalling tactics, to “punish” your partner and make them “earn back” your love.
You are able to be your full, authentic self and feel seen and understood by your partner.
Your partner celebrates and respects you for who you are. They don’t ask you to change your inherent nature or values, while also fostering a safe space for continued growth.
You either don’t know who your authentic self is, or it doesn’t feel safe to express it.
You feel invisible, silenced, or dismissed, and your partner doesn’t know who you truly are. You have many thoughts and emotions swirling inside of you, but it doesn’t feel safe to share them with your partner.
Physical/emotional symptoms: relaxed, at-ease, content, grounded, calm, light, energized, and safe
Physical/emotional symptoms: anxious, resentful, irritable, sad, numb, exhausted, detached
This step is powerful, but difficult to do alone. The support and leadership of a coach can make a huge difference in helping you be completely honest with yourself.
Step 2: Reconnect to your truth — your authentic self and soul-led desires
After owning your current reality, it’s time to dream – to envision what you truly want your life (not just your relationship) to look and feel like. What’s calling out to you?
If you’ve gotten to a place of self-abandonment, there’s a good chance it was caused (at least in part) by self-fragmentation. This happens when we take on or get conditioned into all the various “roles” and “identities” we’re “supposed” to follow in order to “be happy.” This includes the identities of “spouse,” “parent,” “business owner,” “the strong one,” “the achiever,” and more.
It’s time to release all of that and come back to your true, core, soul-led desires. Because making decisions that honor them is what gets you back into alignment and wholeness.
What values do you ideally want to embody in your life, and what does each value look and feel like? Did you “inherit” these values from external sources (e.g. your family or religion)? If so, do you still choose them today, or are different values calling to you? Do your values come from a place of fear (trying to avoid negative consequences) or true desire (they light you up and inspire you).
If you could wave a magic wand and have the life and relationship you truly want, without worrying about any challenges or negative repercussions, what would it look and feel like? Where are you living? How are you spending your time? Who are you surrounded by?
This ste is all about getting clear on what you truly want – because you are allowed to want what you want. And that’s where having a coach becomes essential — I guide you in distinguishing fear from truth and desire, because I have been there personally and guided other clients who have felt the same way.
Step 3: Understand the internal barriers that are keeping you stuck
This step is about identifying and overcoming what’s been getting in the way of you pursuing your “magic wand” life. Because even if you have a clear vision of what you desire and a plan to make it happen, if you don’t also work through the inner roadblocks that have led you to where you are today, you either (1) won’t follow through with the plan, or (2) you won’t see the most meaningful results possible.
So, what patterns or behaviors have been “running the show” up until now? What has been taking you further and further away from your true, whole self and causing self-fragmentation? Examples include:
- Limiting beliefs about what you’re capable of or what’s possible for you.
- Assumptions about what will happen in the future based on what’s happened in the past.
- Fear – of the unknown, failure, and/or conflict.
- People-pleasing
- Perfectionism
- Your inner critic telling you that you aren’t “good/worthy/deserving/smart enough” to have a life and relationship that feel aligned with who you truly are.
How can you navigate these challenges and break the cycle of self-abandonment? What mindset shifts need to happen? How can you build internal safety, confidence, and resilience so you can feel safe to pursue what you truly desire?
Reading about this is helpful; experiencing it with the support of a coach is what creates lasting change. These are questions that I guide my clients through and skills that I help to instill within them, so they can meet their old patterns with clarity, confidence and power, instead of collapse.
So far, you have (1) acknowledged that things are not okay, (2) reconnected to your inner truth and authentic desires, and (3) reclaimed your power from the patterns that have been running the show. Now, how do you want to move forward?
This is where you start making decisions from truth, instead of fear – whether it means staying, repairing, or leaving the relationship, AND any other changes you want to make in your life generally.
I support you in designing an aligned, sustainable path to wholeness: identifying your specific next steps, equipping yourself with the necessary resources and support, setting and enforcing boundaries, building trust in the direction you are moving in, and preparing to confidently handle the obstacles that will inevitably come up along the way.
It’s about making the shift from uncertainty and stagnation → to aligned, embodied action that will bring you back to your whole, authentic self and allow you to build a life that reflects who you really are.
If you’ve reached a point where the prospect of staying in your relationship hurts more than the prospect of leaving, this doesn’t mean you are a “bad” person or “failed.” Rather, it’s a sign that you’ve strayed from the path of your truth, and an invitation to return to alignment, authenticity, and wholeness.
At the start of this process, try not to make any decisions about the final outcome. Instead, trust the path as it unfolds, and continue to show up every day as you build your clarity and self-trust in what you truly desire.
If you’re navigating this crossroads and unsure what your next step should be, that’s where I come in. I guide my clients through The Self-Reclamation Method™, a four-phase journey that moves you from self-fragmentation and silent suffering → to clarity, confidence, and empowered decision-making.
You don’t have to do this alone. Book a free Discovery Call, and let’s do this work together.
